Ugh

I don’t know why I do this to myself; I get these grandiose plans in my head of all the great things I’m going to make and bake for people for Christmas and then it comes down to crunch time and I lose all sense of where I am, what I’m doing and I don’t take anytime to just enjoy myself.

I’ve started culling through the Bloglines list of unread posts (78 left to go!) and catching up with everyone’s lives, art, etc. and I feel…scattered; like I should be doing so much more and so much less at the same time. I squirrel myself away in my house and putter without getting anything done it seems, rather than completing a task that has a deadline (Christmas). The worst part is that I really don’t have much to do; it’s just that I can’t seem to focus (hence scattered). I’m watching the time tick past, rather than actually occupying it with something fruitful.

When I feel frustrated like this, because I’m not getting the things done that I want done in the timeframe that I want, writing down those frustrations helps. Clears my head, helps me get things in order, like my lists. Right now I have several going: the list of domestic chores (vacuum, dishes, laundry, decorate the tree), the list of fabric things to be made (quilts, headbandanas, fabric sacks, rice bags), the grocery list (sugar, flour, milk, eggs, etc. etc.), the baking list (sugar cookies, rice crispy houses, best ever candy cookie bars), the list of times and dates and locations of the coming holiday events (Dec. 6 = Hanukkah party at Deb’s, Dec. 11 = Marcia’s 50th, Dec. 20 = potluck staff holiday party at Michael’s).

I need to get organized. I think that may be the root of my scatteredness. I feel like I’m living amid a pile of things; Christmas decoration boxes, unpainted shelves, UFP (UnFinished Projects) and too much cluttery crap that I don’t use. I feel like I need to pare down, you know, get rid of that crap that I don’t use…hey this sounds familiar…oh wait, that’s because I ranted about this last December – feeling scattered, needing to organize, needing to declutter my house and my life – did I declutter? Uh…no. What is my problem with letting things go? With really organizing? With finishing projects? Am I that attention deficit? Can sentimental reasons alone save a vase that I’ve never used from the Goodwill pile? Honestly?

Well, thanks for listening. Oh, before I leave you…on a completely unrelated (but musical) note: I’m falling in love with the voice Nathan Rogers. He is the son of Canadian folk singer, Stan Rogers and he just has that voice, a mirror to Stan Rogers but all his own at the same time. A little rough and grumbly, but sweetly evocative. Give a listen, if you’re so inclined.

Reflections (aka "Thoughts and Things Part II")

"Reflections"

In the comments of my post yesterday, Shari mentioned reflections being good and how the end of the year seemed to be the time when we reflect. After yesterday's post and on top of not feeling well, I was emotionally and mentally feeling out of sorts and disconnected. In a way it was good, though. I started to notice things that I normally don't pay much attention to. Like the reflection in my side mirror when I was stopped in traffic and it all seemed to connect - reflecting on the past year and the reflection in the side mirror of what was already behind me. I was literally looking at the past, of where I had been, while mentally my inner sight was doing the same.

It made me really take stock, as I sat in my truck, in the rain. I realized that no one is spinning my wheels but me, no one is stopping me from doing anything but me and no one is going to just hand me what I want...I don't have to wait for the new year to start these things!

So, since I wasn't feeling well, I left work early (which is when my revelation came about). I went home and made curtains and finished a quilt top that is a Christmas gift (photos to come after the Giftee opens the gift), then sat in a chair and napped for a bit. It made me feel mentally, emotionally and physically recharged. I had my moment of Zen while using my sewing machine and naps always make me feel better.

I'm ready to pay attention to my surroundings, to act on the whims that I have...like taking a road trip or sitting in that bookstore or going out to a pub for a beer...anything that isn't sitting around at home watching tv or feeling like things have stalled!